I really hate the phrase ‘Presence not Presents’ and today, I’m going to tell you why along with sharing my thoughts on the current trend of present-shaming!
There’s a lot of present-shaming going on around social media at the moment with more judging taking place than you see on the X-Factor and Strictly combined and today, I wanted to tell you just what I think about the number of presents that you choose to buy your children and the amount you decide to spend on those presents.
You know, just because 99% of people of social media have an opinion about it and I don’t like to feel left out.
Are you ready for my opinion? Good.
I DON’T CARE
I mean, I care a little bit. I’d rather you didn’t go into debt to pay for them and I may judge you a teeny bit if you haven’t saved up through the year but go out and spend a fortune on a credit card that you’ll more than likely still be paying off next Christmas. And I might even roll my eyes a little bit if you just buy tat for the sake of filling out your present pile but on the whole, there’s no judgement from me. đŸ˜‰
I don’t care what you spend on presents at Christmas because it has absolutely nothing to do with me. You can go with the four present rule, you can go completely over the top and spoil your children and I won’t judge you because it has nothing to do with me and I don’t know your circumstances.
Personally, I probably go over the top and for that reason, I don’t tend to share photos of our present piles like half the world does on Christmas Eve – I’d feel obliged to just move a few out of view for fear of the present police judging me.
I feel like I have a good reason though – we don’t have a big extended family who buys presents for my children. There’s just us really and that makes me so sad sometimes. Not because I want them to have more presents but because they don’t have the second Christmas at their Nana’s house like I always had when I was younger and they don’t have the family visits in the month leading up to December where you catch up with people you haven’t seen since last Christmas.
They have the presents under the tree that we buy them and that’s pretty much it so I do sometimes overcompensate and I know that I do but I’m sensible, stick to a budget and use money that I’ve saved up all year to do it so I’m good with that and really don’t care (much) if other people don’t agree.
And I know that some of you are probably typing a comment as we speak to tell me that ‘Presence not Presents’ that make Christmas special and I completely get that. The memories that I have from Christmas with my parents aren’t about the presents that they bought me (although there was an AMAZING sparkly bike with a basket one year that stands out ;-)) but like it or not, presents are a part of Christmas these days.
Obviously, I want to make memories with my children and we have things like our alternative advent calendar helps us to exactly that along with a few other traditions that we have but I also want my children to wake up excited about the presents they’re going to be opening and for them to love their gifts.
My perfect Christmas for my children wouldn’t be Presence not Presents, it would be Presence AND Presents.
We’re in a good space right now where we’re lucky enough to be able to spend time as a family making memories but also to have a lovely pile of presents to wake up to on Christmas morning. Is that wrong? We donate to our local food bank regularly, we buy presents for the local toy appeal for children who aren’t as lucky as my two are and we save up to be able to buy our children presents at Christmas.
Where do you stand with Presence not Presents?
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Thank you for your post, it was a relief to read it and I totally agree with you. I shop all year round for Christmas, I budget, I use cash back sites, I save my loose change. Many things I buy are pre-loved or cheap i.e. Pound Land, B&M, The Range etc. They only really have me to buy for them, no big extended family. They've never known a big family Christmas dinner, the relatives you only see at Christmas etc. Just us three so I do go OTT and I freely admit it. I don't post on social media about it, because I have been shamed – told I'm showing off and don't I think about other people and how I make them feel bad etc. You can't please everyone, so do present giving in the way that's right for you x
I totally agree with you. Also, I may add that I love giving gifts. I love thinking about the individual, picking it out wrapping it, and giving them. When I m told not to buy gifts, it takes something from my experience. We didn't get a lot of gifts through the year because my mom and dad were fiscally responsible, and didn't spoil us. We always had gifts for our birthday's and Christmas. We were never deprived. So when Christmas came the anticipation of what was under the tree was so exciting! Being Christians, we were also taught about Christ. We were told that Santa gives gifts because Christ gave himself for us. Santa never substituted Christ, he complimented Him. This is a personal decision and our childhood experience is going to have a lot to do with it. However, in my heart, I feel for children that don't know what Christmas with gifts can be.
I personally look st Christmas as a season instead of a singable day. So I want to be present and making memories with my family. We have several traditions and that’s what my kids remember most. But let’s be real here, my kids want gifts too. Thankfully we have a large family that send the kids gifts so I dont Have to go overboard. But I would without 3 aunts and uncles and 3 sets of grandparents buying for them.
I must admit I’ve been a bit horrified by some of the present piles on social media each year and we’ve been pretty abstemious since having our daughter. She gets presents from us (we will have spent about £60 this year in total) and some clothes from Granny and one present from extended family but that’s about it – hardly any extended family and three dead grandparents. Her stocking will have useful stuff in – face flannel, hair bobbles/slides, colouring pens etc. It’s partly because I’m Christian so Christmas isn’t about buying stuff to me (husband isn’t but he agrees on the not buying stuff!) and partly that’s how I was brought up. I’d rather get her one or two presents that she really really loves and will play with a lot than loads of stuff just so she has plenty to open. Although we could afford more I’d rather the money went to pay for her in the future.
I quite like the phrase presence not presents as a reminder of what it's important to focus on, like for example to focus on the being present rather than buying and focusing solely on the gifts. I think its quite inspiring saying for those people who are maybe struggling to provide the Christmas they would like. One friend of mine remembers her parents leaving a huge pile of presents in the living room and disappearing into the kitchen, and she and her brother were left alone to open and play with their gifts. My joy in Christmas is in the seeing the joy on their faces and being part of the moment! A Christmas without gifts would be pretty sad too, especially as giving & receiving is one of the love-languages and some people feel love through giving & receiving gifts! I don't judge gift piles either, live and let live I say!
I’m trying to have a more “sustainable” Christmas this year by buying what family members need or buying experiences to make memories. We have an amalgamation of two families who each have in laws. This results in our grandchildren receiving presents from all quarters. I will probably be viewed as the Grandma that gives boring but useful presents but I can’t and will not buy tat for the sake of it. x
Your blog is exactly what we did at Christmas when my kids were little. We went to see the light on houses at Christmas, read the Christmas stories, watched the old Christmas movies and some new ones like "The Grinch that Stole Christmas", visited friends and family, went to Christmas concerts and more. Many of the gifts were that of home made favourites (Nuts & Bolts or Cranberry Butter, Jams; Christmas Pudding or Christmas Cake that Mom used to bake) and came with beautiful memories. My memories of singing in the church choir and my Dad asking my sisters and I to sing "O Holy Night" and other hymns as he loved to hear us sing them was another memory we really enjoyed. Combining both the story of Jesus and all the other traditions IS what Christmas is like. I feel truly sorry for those who no longer get to enjoy these. Great blog
I do understand your perspective and agree with it to a point. My issue is more when there are younger children who believe in Santa and when parents leave out huge piles of gifts that they claim are all from the man in red. When children then tell their friends who may have only received a small gift from Santa, it can make kids from poorer families feel that Santa doesn't like them as much as their friends who have received many more or far higher value gifts or that they haven't been 'good' enough. So I think it's better for parents to say that Santa leaves one, fairly modest gift and that the rest are from themselves. Why not get some credit for it as well!
I had the same disagreement with my ex husband. We both love to spoil our daughter, but I feel that the more expensive things should come from parents. It’s easier to explain to a child that we choose not to spend on something more extravagant than it is to explain why “santa” treats some kids differently. If anything, I feel like santa would give the more expensive gifts to those who have less, if he were real.