Ten years ago, when I woke up on September the 4th 2004, I knew it wasn’t going to be a great day.
I had that feeling, you know the one you get when you know something bad is going to happen.
Considering my big brother was very poorly in a local hospice, I suppose I didn’t really need psychic powers to tell me it wasn’t going to be a good day, did I? I knew what was coming because the day before I’d sneaked back into his room to say goodbye, even though he was unconscious.
I told him my secret and left.
So when the phone rang the next night, I stared at it instead of answering.
But it kept ringing and ringing until I had no choice.
I picked up the phone and knew without being told what had happened because I could hear my mum screaming in the background.
Screams I will never, ever forget no matter how much I wish I could.
I can’t remember what happened next but I know that I managed to get into bed at some point where I curled up and held my tummy hoping that he’d heard me the day before when I told him I was pregnant. Hoping that he understood why I hadn’t told anyone my news while he was so poorly.
Fast forward ten years and as they say, time is a great healer.
But it doesn’t stop me from having a random cry at things that come at me out of the blue and remind me of him and they don’t stop me feeling angry at the world sometimes because why him?
And you know what! Why me?
Why do my children have to grow up without their uncle and why should I have spent the last ten years without my brother.
We might not have got along well when we were young but he was still my brother and I loved him!
Love you and miss you every day!
This was supposed to be one of those posts that I was going to write just to get things on paper and out of my head. You know the ones where you write things that you would usually be mortified if people read but I read it back (through a few tears) and decided that actually, maybe it is OK to share. It might help you understand why I really feel that life’s too short.
So glad you wrote this, especially if it helps to clear your head and sort your thoughts x
Big hugs. My big brother was only 6 when he died. I am glad you got to tell him you were pregnant xx
Heartbreaking, sending you love and hugs. So pleased you decided to share x
Oh Cass, huge hugs. I lost my dad to cancer nearly two years ago. He'd been ill for two years and then had a stroke just as I was in labour with Master C. He lived for another two weeks and in that time met his first grandson, but I never really knew if he fully understood. He always wanted a son and I know a grandson would have brought him so much pleasure, I just wish I could low if he'd really understood before he died. xxx
Oh my goodness, that is so sad, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I think it is great that you wrote that post x
Indeed it is Ok to share and what a fab pic of you and your brother. So sory for your loss Cass. Mich x
Oh Cass that is so sad. It must of been such a turmoil of different emotions at the time. I'm glad you wrote this down and glad you can now allow yourself to feel a little bit sorry for yourself – there's nothing at all wrong with that. x
Big hugs, Cass
Time really is a great healer. Thank you for sharing, I found great comfort in your words.
You are absolutely right that time is great healer. I myself have lost one my childhood friend few years back. It was hard on for me at that time. But you know what i realize about life after that, No matter what.. It Goes on !!
I so know those feelings Cass my little brother passed away from meningitis when I was 11 years old. My thoughts and prayers are with you on what I know to be a difficult day. I usually light a candle on the anniversary of Danny's passing just something little in memory of him. Big hugs hun xxx
Much Love
Claire from frugal living xxx
Oh my God, that's so sad, no the wonder you get cross sometimes, but it's so good that you have taken something positive from this situation and live life to the full. Well done you. I often read your blog, and really enjoy it and get loads of useful ideas (hello, magic mince!) And your children are so beautiful, I love their hair! Sending a virtual hug. I think you are very brave to write this post xxx
I can totally relate to your post. 17 years I lost my brother then my mum 11 years ago and then this January my dad passed away in my arms in my home. The random memories come to me and I think about the past and spend a lot of time crying. Huge massive squishy hugs. Some times it helps to just get it out so it can relief some of the built up pain if that makes sense.