Last week I shared with you the reasons I didn’t really like Mothers Day and told you all that I wanted this year to be different. What I didn’t say is that just before writing that post, I had written a letter to my Mum and although I’m still debating whether it’s the right thing to do, I’m going to share my letter with you too.
Not for attention or sympathy but because I have regrets, just small ones but it’s not a nice feeling and I want you to know how I feel in the hope that you can put right anything you need to while you still can.
I can’t believe that 10 years have passed since you were taken away from us.
I miss you and seeing as it’s Mothers Day today, I want you to tell you something.
Of course I want to tell you how much I love you and how I think about you every day but I also want to apologise because I feel like I let you down.
I wasn’t there for you when you needed me and I think about that now and wish so much that I could turn back the clock to that last year before you died. In fact, I’d take it back to the night my brother died, just over a year before you left us to join him.
If I shut my eyes now, I can hear you screaming in the background when my Dad rang to tell me that he’d died. No matter how much we were expecting that call, it was the most devastating news that I’d ever had in my life.
We got through the funeral and all the formalities that we needed to and then life went on as it always does. You were different though, you were still my lovely Mum but you were angry with the world for taking him away from us.
After he died, we spent less time together than we had before and I know deep down that this was my fault. I told myself it was because I was pregnant, coping with a two year old and working full time but I was just trying to make myself feel better I think. Looking back now, I think it was more because of the way I felt when I saw you – it broke my heart every time because I could see how much you were missing him.
You were devastated and I get that completely, no parent should have to see their child die but at the time, I couldn’t bear to see your grief so openly . I was pregnant and struggling with my own grief and I didn’t want to deal with yours too.
I know it’s not like we stopped spending time together altogether and I still saw you a few times a week but it just doesn’t feel like enough. It feels like I let you down and I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when I should have been and for every single moment that we didn’t spend together in that time.
I hope you know that I talk to you sometimes. I look up at the sky, find a gap in the clouds and talk to you whenever I need some advice or whenever something happens that you would have liked. You don’t answer but I hope you can hear me and I hope that you’ve heard my whispered apologies and that you understand.
I regret every moment we didn’t spend together, every time I picked up the phone and then put it down again without ringing you and every hug I didn’t give you.
Ten years on and I have a bit more perspective on things. I feel less pain than I did and my regrets don’t take over my thoughts as they did in the months after you’d died although they’re still there in my heart.
At least now, I can look back at the time we did spend together, the conversations we did have and the hugs we had together and smile because we had some great times together and I have some amazing memories.
You made me the person I am today and I am so proud to be able to call you my Mum.
Love you always.
Me x x
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